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November 11th, 2011
Lonesome Pete shows bulls how it's done
This week there was a tumultuous donnybrook at the local tapestry retailer, Lonesome Pete's Tapestry Emporium That Ruined My Marriage But I Hold Onto It Just To Show That Bitch That Opening a Tapestry Store Wasn't The Worst Mistake of My Life (generally referred to by the locals simply as Lonesome Pete's), when a drunken and irate Lonesome Pete set fire to a tapestry worth over $500 and assaulted a rodeo clown after a customer asked how his wife was doing.
Enraged and fueled by a steady diet of poppers and cinnamon flavoured whiskey, Lonesome Pete (or Pete as he prefers to be called) began headbutting the western-themed entertainer to the tune of "What becomes of the broken hearted" by Jimmy Ruffin while allegedly screaming "Can't you read my fucking sign!?!" as onlookers originally cheered and laughed thinking it was part of an act then, upon understanding the situation, proceeded to bet on how many verses of the classic Motown favorite Lonesome Pete would make it through before he developed whiplash. The clown, who refused to be named, was in L.P.T.E.T.R.M.M.B.I.H.O.I.J.T.S.T.B.T.O.A.T.S.W.T.W.M.O.M.L. looking for a calming blue tapestry to buy as a wedding gift for his betrothed bull whom he is to marry in international waters on the summer solstice of next year. When squeezed for a comment, his squeaky nose was quoted as saying "honk!" but his mouth, as controlled by his comatose brain, refused to speak to reporters.
After craniumly assaulting the barreled bozo Lonesome Pete ran out to the forest to gather moss and twigs to start a fire. His reasoning for this was unclear as there was a flamethrower in the back of his store just begging to be used. Upon returning with the desired supplies and with a scout troupe in tow whom he was about to "teach a goddamned lesson to", he tore down a tapestry of unparalleled intricacy and proceeded to ignite it using the friction caused by rubbing his sticks and moss together in it's center and "hoping for the best" as he has never been into the woods before in his "goddamned" life. As it turns out he is a natural.
No charges were laid as it was his own property which he set alight and no one really cares about a rodeo clown who's into bestiality. The clown was taken to the forest and shot execution style by the boy scout troupe to earn their "bettering society one bullet at a time" badge. When asked for comment Lonesome Pete said that he "never loved that bitch anyways and he hopes she gets gonorrhea."
On the plus side, local gambling addict "Steve" can keep his knees a little while longer thanks to having correctly bet that whiplash would set in after the lyrics "I've got to find some piece of mind" on it's second reprieve and winning $250 which his wife made him immediately give to her in order to pay off the mafia.
I've decided I need a website that I can update myself and mess around with blogging and such so I'm setting this up now. My good friend Jonah Coombes set up a great website for me but he's a busy guy and I always felt bad asking him to update things for me cause I'm too stupid to work out how the magic box with the porn and free movies is able to make my face go to people's houses.
So here we are. This is me while I'm doing this in my apartment with a bottle of Russell's Reserve rye, a shot glass and a recently empty bowl of Honeycombs by my side.
You can see how I'm flummoxed.
So this will evolve and change and dance and sing and make you laugh both with me and at me over time. Check it for upcoming shows, random online diary-ing and gratuituous use of multisyllabic verbosity as well as videos, updates and nonsense.
Chris Betts isn't funny. I've said it before and I'll say it again. (If anyone can send me a doo-wop beat to sing that over I'd really appreciate it)
I'm gonna make this site less shitty now. Later.